On Friday I’ll be fifty years old. Sounds a bit extreme, doesn’t it? I know. Show off. But – there it is. And you know what? I really can’t even think of anything interesting to say about it, other than that. I mean – I’m certainly feeling proud of myself for hitting it clean and sober. Oh and guess what – I quit smoking at the start of this month so I’m starting this new decade a non smoker. I haven’t been able to say that since I turned ten. And I figured out that I’ve lived a third of these fifty years within listening distance of the Pacific Ocean. That’s kind of cool. I have teenaged children now. That’s also cool and my favorite age so far by far. Favorite age to parent, not be. Anyhow – basically all’s well. I am moving from mother to crone with a smile.
So – what am I going to do to mark this milestone? On the social end, I’m going to have dinner with friends on my birthday and I’m taking a trip to Monterey with my family the weekend after. And I always make a big ass deal about my birthday so my poor co-workers have no choice but to take notice. But on a personal note, I’m going to get up early and run down to the beach and find a nice spot and just sit and connect with the universe – rain or shine. I’m also going to try and come up with some sort of list of reasonable goals. There’ll be some big stuff like buying a home and lots of little stuff like reading more and cleaning out my shoe closet. But mainly – I want to stay close to the people that matter most to me. If I have any regrets from maiden and motherhood, (and I mean real regrets, not little ones like forgetting to get out the St. Patrick’s day decorations that one year….) they are centered on people I miss. I let a lot of sweet, dear people fade out of my life for no reason other than being too self-centered. I’m feeling so much more able to love now. I’m not willing to let that happen so frequently anymore.
I’m definitely excited to see what the next fifty years are going to bring. And that alone is a happy thing. Meaning – I’m not looking forward with fear or frustration or ennui or dread or anything negative. I feel like I have choices, if not right this instant, then in the not too distant future. At least, I feel like I can go ahead and set goals for myself and dream up fun things to do. I think I’m going to like being a crone.
Try as i might to stay focused on abundance rather than lack, I can’t help feeling a little sad that I don’t have a computer at home right now. I have a bunch of writing projects that are either on hold or being written on paper. I somehow highly doubt the paper ones will ever get off of it, but it’s good practice, I guess. Anyhow, I most certainly can’t figure out how to get the paper stuff onto this site, so until I do – this is one of the “on hold” ones.
And the good news is that other than the computer thing – my life is just brim full of things for which to be grateful. Happy midwinter!
The only reason our dreams might feel impossible to us is because we feel there's a possibility they will not make it to fruition, or that it could take a lot of time and resource before they come true. If we were to let go and allow ourselves to blissfully bask in our dreams and desires because of the pure fun or excitement or joy they inspire within us, they would run into few or no road-blocks on their way out there into the world on their journey of unfolding for us.
This past Monday was the feast of Saint Sabas. He spent his life just pretty much wanting to be alone and never quite pulling it off. A bunch of the faithful even followed him out to his hermit cave wanting to be hermits with him. Although denying him his solitude and obviously missing the point, the presence of these supplicants credits our saint with founding the oldest monastery on the planet. And much more popular and well known – this past Tuesday was the feast of Saint Nicholas. Hailing from Smyrna, he was a friendly bishop who once tossed some gold coins down the chimney of a family in need. And the rest, as they say, is…well…”history”. I wonder what he’d think about all the kooky customs that have evolved since that act of kindness. I wonder what the present day bishop of Smyrna thinks, for that matter. I think we may have strayed a bit off track. But then again, the holidays do bring us together and I guess that’s a good thing whether or not we feel compelled to decorate like crazy and spend money we don’t really have on gifts for people who may or may not be in need.
As I’ve said before, if it weren’t for the holidays I might not ever see my family at all. Like Saint Sabas, I think I’d rather be alone. But of course I won’t be and though I’m 99.9% sure my family and I won’t be credited with starting a monastery, I’m equally sure I won’t regret so much as one minute I spend with the people I love this holiday season.
The other night, my daughter and I were discussing fake hair pieces which reminded us of the hair piece that came with her American Girl doll’s Irish ensemble. This was a “my twin” doll, who she named Siobahn. I said, “Gosh – has anyone seen Siobahn lately?” and we immediately thought of the song “Siobahn” by the Tossers. From this little exchange, my daughter came up with what might be a fabulous idea: outfits and sets for the American Girl dolls of teenagers who don’t want to get rid of them but have, of course, outgrown them. But these outfits will have a dark twist. For example: a groupie set, a drug and alcohol experimentation set, a pregnancy scare set. They could come with all sorts of fun accessories like tattoos, piercings, trashy outfits. And for the historical themes, maybe the Salem witch trials? The Manson family? I think it’s a smashing idea, and just like our little girls couldn’t really be historical heroines like their dolls were, maybe they’ll be satisfied living out these teenage fantasies on plastic replicas, too.
Speaking of hair, yesterday marked four years of sobriety for me. And you know what that means? Time for my annual haircut! Yes – once a year I actually get a haircut and use my sobriety date to mark it. I like that this special day comes right as the holidays begin in earnest. (The sobriety part – not the hair cut – although who doesn’t want pretty hair for the holidays?) There’s so much to look forward to as the year winds down and I am so ready for new opportunities and attitudes! I’m excited to end the year with celebrations and food and gifts and begin 2012 with a clean slate and healthy hair!
Monday was United Nations day. I really should write an informative little essay on the United Nations, its history and relevance today. But that, dear reader, wouldn’t be my style. How would I get my whiny complaints in if I just informed you about the United Nations? Impossible. So – happy United Nations day! Now, let’s move on.
I guess unity and connection would be remotely related to United Nations day. How are you at maintaining connections? I’m not exactly batting a thousand right now, but that’s given me an opportunity to focus on the people and things in my life which are really important to keep. Relationships, whether they be friendly, romantic, organized or professional, take work and consciousness. I am truly trying to be present for as many moments as possible during the day. The longer I’m sober, the more I find that if I really try and live in reality with all its emotions and chores, the better off I am. As I try to maintain some sort of balance, the useless weights become more apparent and I can lighten my load. In other words, “Focus, Mary Elizabeth!”
So – I’ve taken some time off from personal blogging because I got sick of the sound of my own voice. But – it’s not bothering me so much today, so I thought I’d reel one out on the beloved subject of gratitude. I know, I know – super boring. Lately, I’ve tried to boil it down, though. For what, exactly, am I grateful? I mean, some of the things I try and list to the universe on a daily basis really belong on a “I wish I felt more grateful for:” list. Like, seriously, who’s truly grateful for your boyfriend every day?How about your job? You get the point. Knowing the things for which we ought to be grateful is a far cry from being grateful. So – I’ve decided to list five things for which I am TRULY GRATEFUL.
my children’s’ health, intellect and good looks
the CD player in my car
For those of you wondering. I left cigarettes off the list not because I don’t love them more than anything else in the world and have found them to be the only reliable constant in my life time and time again, but because I’m actually aware that they’ll eventually kill me. So – off the list. Then, of course, there’s home facial wax without which I couldn’t live either, but it’s expensive and messy and endless. Off the list! Those things listed are the ones I can feel grateful for all the time without any catches. So, I’m curious. In the words of my friends at Café Gratitude, “What are you grateful for?”