Last week I found mouse poop on my desk. This was kind of a surprise, as we thought the office mouse was gone due to an unfortunate incident in an uncovered outlet. Anyhow – apparently not. It got me wondering, “why my desk?” and a co-worker suggested I look up what mice symbolize – that maybe the mouse was there just for me. So I did and among other things (like “timidity” which is an obvious kindred spirit sort of thing but so obvious it hardly warrants a visit), mice represent the little problems that “nibble away at us and deplete our psychological resources”. Dang it! I haven’t got a lot of those, so I thought about it and decided to try to really and completely let go of the little things that have been nibbling away at me.
As I grow as a sober woman and try to follow a spiritual path, I find I have more freedom to choose what is and isn’t in my life, my house and my day. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still choose to enjoy the occasional, indulgent wallow in obsessive doubt and worry. I can really get myself into an exhausted knot. I wish I could just let go of these things right away and not be so frantic about them and try and treasure what little serenity I can find. But I don’t. I need constant reminding. So – thanks, little messenger, for making me mindful of my psychological resources and the fact that I shouldn’t be wasting them. And p.s. – watch the outlets.
Do you know what makes me laugh every time I hear it? This: There’s only two things I can’t stand – people intolerant of other people’s cultures and nazis. It puts the whole notion of tolerance into perspective. I belong to a group who’s code is love and tolerance of others. That is one tough code to crack. I’m all good with loving my neighbor – it’s so abstract and removed from day to day life. But tolerance? Accept people and their behavior? Not so easy, unless you include the people in my life who I just barely tolerate and I don’t think that’s what it means. The goal is to make room in your heart for all people and their choices.
The trick is to have love and tolerance for yourself. It really is. This notion of having to love yourself before you can really love anyone else is one I’ve been hearing since second grade CCD and have thought was probably monkeyshine ever since. But I’m starting to actually believe it. Historically, I don’t give myself a break for anything. I’m intolerant of people who say they love me because of their obviously poor judgement. I expect myself to be better than everyone else in the world at everything. I’m way more loving and tolerant of nazis. At least I used to be. I’m getting better. And I’ve actually found that the more I can give myself a break and appreciate who I really am, the more I love the people in my life. And – I’m even a little more tolerant of others. I may be close to cracking the code!
Do you do your laundry at the laundromat or at home? I do mine at the laundromat and I’m actually getting a little sick of it. The novelty has definitely worn off. Not only does it eat up a chunk of my weekend, it confirms all my social phobias. I don’t like people talking to me under the best of circumstances. I really don’t like it when I’m trapped in a noisy room with my underwear in my hand. And let me just say for the record to all the men out there that might want to talk to me or any other woman in a laundromat: if you don’t have a washer and dryer, don’t waste your time.
Despite the fact that it’s Sunday and all our clothes are at the laundromat right now, abandoned to their fate while I write this, and that as soon as I put them in the dyer I have to go to work for a little bit – I am in a ridiculously good mood. It’s one of those rare days where I don’t feel like giving myself a hard time. I actually feel grateful for laundromats and jobs and all sorts of things I at which I usually look with squinty eyed distrust. Not today though. I must confess, the longer I’m sober the more naturally grateful I become. Didn’t see that coming. Anyhow – good news kids and boyfriend – your clothes are clean and I’m super glad about it! Happy Sunday!
I went to a class on vision boarding this afternoon. So much more pleasant than water boarding. Anyhow – I’ve been pretty overwhelmed by money troubles lately. Like, the I’m-going-to throw-up-if-I-think about-this-for-one-more-second kind of trouble, so I cut out some words like “cash” and “money” and “rich”. But when I started to make my board it just went in another direction. When I was all done, I realized none of those words made it on there and I felt a moment of panic. Oh no! Why’d I forget to put money in my vision? See – this is why you never have any cash, Mary Elizabeth! You can’t focus long enough to even paste the word on a piece of paper! Oh well – lots of great things are on my vision board and the class was great – empowering even. And a friend suggested I put the cut out word “cash” in my wallet. Perfect!
If we pay attention to the law of attraction at all, we know we shouldn’t worry about stuff because that’ll just bring it on. Not so easy. And – we can bring in the good stuff by thinking about it. Okay – but good stuff isn’t just going to come by wishing and bad stuff isn’t going to go away just by putting it out of our minds. We have to act. Rats. But I do believe that our actions towards what we really want will get easier if we focus on the results and the fact that we deserve them. And in the mean time, at least I’ve got “cash” in my wallet.