Everywhere You Go by mary elizabeth

Last weekend, my daughter and my friend Kerry and the world’s cutest dog went on a road trip.  This weekend I am working and getting ready for a visit from the landlord.  Last weekend was fun and full of laughs.  This one, not so much.  But – there’s a lot going on at work, at least, and I’m feeling sort of proud of myself because I’m not letting the landlord’s home invasion send me into a frenzy of fear and anxiety.  That may not sound like a big deal, but everything sends me into frenzies of fear and anxiety, so this is real progress.  Or – just a big fat load of denial.  I mean, there may actually be something to fear in this one.  It’s her house and she can through us out if she wants to.  But I’ve decided that all the anxious fear I can muster won’t change the situation, so let’s just tidy up and rock it like grown ups.  Grown ups with messy children.

I used to be a homeowner but now my ex is and I just get to nomadically move from rental to rental at the whim and misfortune of others.  My life, at least the physical manifestation of it, is in the hands of yet another power greater than myself.  But – as usual – that just pushes me to find a deeper, more spiritual life for which only I’m responsible.  Me and the good old universe.  What’s the opposite of fear and anxiety?  Comfort and balance, maybe.  And if I’ve learned anything at all in life, it’s that those only come from the inside.  Homes and jobs and things like that certainly help, but I can be a wreck with all of that – quite frequently am.  So – no hilarious road trip this weekend, but there’s still plenty to enjoy.   I’m going to go enjoy house work and try to remember that anywhere I go, there I am so I better be glad to see me.

Big Picture by mary elizabeth

I’ve been feeling extra anxious lately.  And a little angry, too.  Anxiety’s an old friend but anger is something I would normally leave to the experts.  I recently had one of those flukey experiences that, although completely accidental and in no way indicative of the norm, confirm all of one’s paranoia and suspicions about the hostility of the universe.  Told you so, universe!  Anyhow – now that the initial shock and humiliation have started to wear off, I feel a tad miffed.  And I’m starting to lose my patience with some on-going frustrations in my life, too.  But – I don’t really know how to be angry and I certainly don’t want these external factors to influence my actual life, so I’m trying to find the courage to let it all go to a recently proven to be untrustworthy universe and get on with it.

My life is pretty good right now, to be honest, and all evidence points to its just getting better. When I can relax for a couple of seconds, I’m actually enjoying it.  Normally – every time a little stability comes along, I get restless and start making changes. Chaos feels natural; tranquility makes me anxious. Whatever…I’m trying to rock it a little differently now. Maybe feeling a little more outraged and a little less victimized is a part of the whole picture. The whole big picture of my life.  Or just some more monkeyshine.